Yesterday was the kind of day in which you kiss your children many times more. In which you snuggle close to them and sniff their fragrance and feel the joy of holding them wash over you.
Yesterday was the kind of day when you love your spouse a little more. You forgive him a little more… You love the arguments you’ve had. And you cherish the loving/annoying/unbelievably weird bond you have with your spouse.
It’s a day when dread washed over you when you hear that there was a blast 5 minutes from home. Back home.
As a dear friend put it : “Muscle memory of safe places being altered tragically.”
And for a few moments you subconsciously imagine the worst scenarios possible – your mind sort of preparing for any curve ball that may hit you lest it hit you while you are totally unaware. This is followed by gratefulness, mixed with empathy for the ones who were affected. Your mind feels for what they are going through. You have a good idea, because you went through it yourself when you lost your mother 8 years ago. 8? Really? It seems ages ago. Time passes so slowly.
For some moments or perhaps days after such events, life seems so short. And to some of us, that seems like a relief. That we only have a little more to go. A little more of patience. A little more of the heartbreak that is life… But it makes you pray that that little that is left is easy. Free of trials and difficulties. It makes you hope to make the best of it.
Yesterday was a day in which one stops themselves from searching more on the ghazwa e Hind they read about in Kitab ul fitan (the Book of calamities) of Tirmidhi. You stop yourself because you know you will enter a stage of musing, thinking… I know where that leads me… So i stop myself. Because I have to take care of three others who depend on me. Because, no matter how much I research, we still do not really know. What we do know is, that the other signs have come. The spiritual signs, the manifest signs. The small signs, the big signs. The signs that the Day is near. But how near, we still do not know. And there is khayr in that. It necessarily makes us pause the fear. It necessarily makes us hope that it’s still not near. It simultaneously makes us prepare that it may be near.
But it’s ok to be afraid too. Each state teaches us something about life and ourselves. How fragile life is. How fragile we are.
Yesterday was a day we were afraid. And we were angry. And we were upset. At the games they play.
Yesterday was a day when the fear was mixed with sorrow. Sorrow for my lovely land. For the country who is struggling and flourishing. For my people who are so full of life, now full of fear. For that land, that is beauty – the mountains, the gushing rivers and springs, the ocean, the meadows, the desserts, the old old trees. For that land that even I have not entirely visited and experienced… For that land that is now bleeding… For that land to which I long to return. For that land, when people tell me they have no intention of returning too, I feel strange. I feel sorry. I cannot relate.
Yesterday was a day that washes all the grudges away.
It washes the confusions away.
Because you know what really matters.
Me and Allah.
My relationship with HIM – and that every single moment every relationship I have in this world and every task I perform in this world have to be done in a state of ubudiyya – as a servant, a creation of the Lord Most High – in love and fear of Him. A love that overcomes the fear. For there is no escape except towards Him.
The fear is valid. The feelings are valid. But the fact, that we are in the Hands of Allah is also true. And sometimes makes the fear even more valid…
fa firru ilAllah
So flee to Allah.
There is no escape except towards Him.
And live fully, love fully, give fully and take fully (the cup of love and life and hope that Allah Gives you).
May it be a beautiful fleeing towards Allah…
Amidst the chaos that is life, may our hearts be filled with the drink of love for Him and everything that is good and fair in the world. Ameen