I was always so confident of His Love for me.
I knew I had faults. I knew I had weaknesses. But i knew He Loved me despite all of those… Because i was human. And to human is to err. I knew He Loved me because I Loved Him.
But then along came a being who was so jealous. So jealous of this love. I kept falling in love… But along the way, my attention got diverted. I began to take this love for granted. Gradually, mixed up in that love was love for other things… Loves t hat are hard for me to describe because I thought they were all love for Him, but i was wrong… The Jealous One whispered and whispered to me. My Love Watched, and He Planned.
I had gone a long way before I realized I needed to take a U-turn. Somewhere along the way i had taken a wrong turn. And i had become dependant on something other than Him. What it was, i still dont know… Was it love for a particular ideology? Was it love for a few of his creation which i thought would take me closer to Him? Was it love for an ideal self? Whatever it was, it became a veil. My Love for Him became tainted. I was heartbroken. I was disappointed in myself. How did I ever let this happen? I asked myself. But it was meant to happen. Perhaps it was meant to happen so i could depend on Him with an even greater dependance; Love Him with a greater love; hold on to His Rope for dear life… It was meant to happen because only He is Perfect. Because nothing, when it comes between our love for Him, can actually be beneficial for us. All it does is harm us, break us, disappoint us.
We need to pull away. No matter how glittery it seems, no matter how unworldly it seems, it is disguised. Everything is glittery and shiny in this world. Do not be fooled by it. It will lower your self esteem. It will make you feel less that you are. Because you were meant to be God’s. Made for Him, by Him. No other identity will bring you peace. You are His beloved. So whatever you allow to come in between, it will destroy you. And it will make you forget who you are.
And so today, when I cry as I realize I’ve lost that love, I tell myself, fa firru ilAllah
ففروا الى الله
(so flee to Allah) (84:50)
Go back to Him. You have nowhere else to go. Don’t listen to the jealous one. Go back to Him.
He is still Yours.